


The Drifter

by Bandity



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's me so someone is going to puke, Langst, Negative Thoughts, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Possession, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Vomit, negative self-talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 01:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12519552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: The team needs to figure out what's wrong with Lance, before it's too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about that summary. It's so vague...
> 
> If you are triggered by any suicidal discussion, please be very careful with this fic. Seriously. This fic gets kind of dark.
> 
> OK, I've gone back and fixed most of my mistakes now. 
> 
> My goal was to get this posted before Halloween and I did it, so yay! Please enjoy.

Days of celebration were becoming rare. The Galra had been meeting them in battle nearly daily and their victories seemed small when compared to how much of the universe was still being controlled and oppressed. With the weight of war very much on their shoulders, the team decided to take some time to celebrate with a recently freed planet.

The Klaycera had been under Galra rule for years and they had been fighting hard to regain their sovereign authority. Voltron had been able to turn the tide and, when the fighting was finally done, everyone was swept up in an immeasurable joy.

The Klaycera were usually a quiet people, but loyal and hardy. They were a bit chameleon like, having the ability to adjust their skin color to match their surroundings or just because they wanted to. Their hair tended to be short and they had small, snubbed noses and large dark eyes that were spaced further apart than a human's. They were on the shorter side, but broad shouldered and strong. They were protective of their families and their planet. Their planet was covered in huge trees and while they constructed large buildings, the structures always went around the trees, they had a great respect for their forest and many of the older trees were considered to be sacred.

Their trees were considered to have roots in the underworld and branches in what the Paladins came to understand as being the Klaycera’s heaven.

"How does that work?" Lance asked when Coran had finished explaining it to them. "The highest branches are their afterlife? So they just hang out in the tree tops?"

"Well, it's sort of considered to exist on another plane, the highest branches just act as a sort of gateway. When the Klaycera die they are buried in the ground, nearer the roots of the trees. That is where the souls reside until the farewell ceremony, like the one tonight, when they all get together and help guide the souls into a better afterlife."

Lance considered this for a moment and then he nodded. "Okay, I think I get it. Being in the ground sounds pretty boring though."

"Well, they perform the ceremony every season, to avoid anyone having to wait too long. And they always do one after a battle or accident, so injured souls do not have to linger."

They had all gone quiet. The loss of life had been kept to a minimum, but there were still lives loss for the Klaycera. There was still pain there.

"They've invited us all to participate. If the Paladins are willing?" Coran raised an eyebrow at the team.

"We'd be honored," Shiro responded immediately. Everyone nodded in agreement. It was the least they could do for these people.

* * *

 

They had stopped by the house of the Klaycera's leader, Sairin, for a meeting where they discussed the ceremony in detail. He was a bit shorter and rounder than most. His skin was a light olive green and he walked with a limp. They were all sitting in a row on ornate pillows, facing the Sairin, who was leisurely explaining what was expected of them. Honestly, they were just told to sit and watch quietly while the ritual was carried out. No talking or moving around.

"You must face the tree until the ceremony is done. After the candles go out, that is when you may stand and are free to move. After that, we can move onto the feast. I’ve been told it’s going to be quite an amazing meal.”

Shiro had been about to ask how long the ritual would take, when the door flew open and in walked four Klayceran girls, all talking at the same time. They were arguing and not all entirely dressed.

Lance made a sort of choking sound and Shiro elbowed him hard.

Sairin waved his hand at the girls to dismiss them, but the shortest one pointed to one of the others.

"She's taken my necklace, make her give it back, father!" She shouted. Sairin looked somewhere between mortified and furious.

"Katya, we have guests," he motioned to the Paladins and Alteans sitting in front of him.

All four girls turned as one and let out small gasps of surprise. There was an immediate flutter of activity as they all gravitated towards their visitors. They were suddenly very close and two of them were practically hanging off of Shiro.

They all started talking at once.

"You're the Voltron Paladins!"

"Father wouldn't let us watch your fight."

"Hey, the name's Lance-" Lance got jabbed by an elbow again, but from Pidge this time. Honestly, the girls’ father was right there.

"I'm Adlyl. Are you going to be joining us for the ceremony?"

"You're beautiful!"

The last comment had come from the oldest daughter and had been directed at Shiro. Lance tried not to snicker at the way his leader's ears went pink at the compliment or the way the speaker was now running one hand through Shiro's hair...

"Enough!" Sairin shouted. "You four, go get dressed and I do not want any more squabbling."

"Yes, father," they chorused, quickly disentangling themselves from around the Paladins. Lance hesitated slightly before letting go of the hand that had found its way into his. He grinned widely.

"I'll see you ladies later," he promised with a wink. The one who was closest to him, Adlyl, giggled and followed her sisters out of the room.

"My apologies," Sairin began.

"It's alright," Allura was quick to prove that there had been no offense taken. "They seem like very spirited young women."

"Those four are the silliest girls on this planet I'm afraid. It's my own fault for spoiling them so. They have three older sisters who are much more sensible. You will be able to meet them tonight."

"You have seven daughters?" Lance asked, craning his neck to see if he could still catch sight of the girls through the doorway.

"Yes, and one son who is too young to attend the festivities tonight."

Shiro cleared his throat. "We look forward to attending the ceremony tonight and we will be respectful of the rules you've told us."

At the word respectful, Lance straightened up. Pretty sure he was being scolded indirectly.

After the meeting was over, they all walked back to the castleship to rest before the start of the ritual.

"I never knew Shiro could blush like that," Lance said absently.

Shiro shook his head.

"Well... it was just surprising to see them..." Hunk tried to explain.

"Honestly, they were just boobs." Pidge rolled her eyes. "You were all getting flustered over nothing."

"I'm not flustered over that! It was just surprising in general!" Hunk said defensively.

"They stood too close," Keith remarked. Shiro reached over and tapped his shoulder. Keith didn't like having strangers get in his face and one of the girls had actually started to grab his arm. He wasn't comfortable with it. "Are they all going to be there tonight?"

"Don't worry about it too much," Shiro assured him. "We stick together. Just ask them to step back if it happens again. Or I'll tell them myself, alright?"

"Yeah, beautiful Shiro's got your back." Lance said with a grin. Shiro lightly cuffed his head.

"And you'd better stay out of trouble. I swear, Lance..."

"Hey, no trouble from me. You have my word."

"Good," Shiro nodded giving him his best leader look, Lance just smiled back.

Honestly, Shiro was worrying over nothing.

* * *

 

A few vargas later, night had fallen and the Paladins found themselves sitting amongst the Klaycera, watching as the candles were lit.

The ceremony took place around the largest tree in the area. Thousands of candles were placed on the ground in rows that lead to the base of the enormous tee. Everyone sat in small groups, creating circles of descending sizes with the tree at the center. Once every candle was lit, the singing started. It began on the outskirts of the gathered groups and slowly worked its way through the crowd and to the center.

Lance couldn't pick up any of the words, but the low song made his head feel a bit fuzzy and the candles were actually making him feel a bit warm. He heard a rustling behind him and then hushed whispering. It sounded familiar.

"Katya! You were supposed to make sure that you were all on time."

"Apologies, Liss. Though it was Adlyl's fault."

From that point, Lance couldn't hear any more of their conversation. Though he tried his best. It wasn't eavesdropping; he was just curious and trying to be aware of his surroundings. Because he was a Paladin and he was supposed to be aware of those kinds of things...

They were giggling now. There was a hushed whisper and then he, without a doubt, heard his name. There was an eruption of more giggles and Lance felt his face go warm.

It was awkward to not be able to see them. They were sitting just a little further back, but he wasn't supposed to turn around. Sairin had been very insistent on that part. Lance was supposed to be looking at this tree...

Alright he definitely heard his name again, but there was something in the tone that didn't sound pleasant. A bit harsher and drawn out in an almost mocking way. Lance blinked.

He knew what shit talking sounded like.

Lance sat up a bit straighter and cleared his throat a little. It wasn't a big deal. So what if one of them didn't like him or something? He barely knew them.

_Guess it didn't take long for them to decide there was something wrong with you._

Lance shifted and tried to look at Shiro without turning his head. Shiro didn't seem to hear the conversation going on behind them. Lance looked the other way and tried to gauge Hunk's reaction. Hunk was also looking directly ahead, though he seemed nervous. Probably just because the ceremony was completely foreign to them and Hunk was doing his best to be respectful. Lance dimly noticed that candles were beginning to be blown out, slowly, starting on the outside and working towards the middle. The singing was beginning to taper off, though the hum like quality still reverberated around him. It went through his head, making everything look blurry around the edges.

A sharp laugh rung out behind him, which was immediately followed by shushing whispers.

He couldn't just sit there anymore. What the hell were they talking about?

Lance turned his head.

He hadn't been prepared for the darkness and he blinked hard to try and adjust to the low light. The candles had already been put out behind him and he could really only see the outline of the sisters sitting a few rows back. They didn't look like they were talking anymore, he certainly couldn't tell which one didn't like him.

Lance exhaled through his nose.

"Lance?"

Lance blinked again and saw Pidge sitting just a few feet to his left. She had her eyebrows raised and she looked a little worried.

"What are you doing? Turn around." Pidge twirled one finger in the air for emphasis. Lance felt Shiro blindly reach out and grab his shoulder.

"Lance..." He warned softly. Lance spun back around in time to see the last candles go out around the base of the tree. He looked about, but he didn't think any of the Klaycera had seen his behavior. So he hadn't embarrassed himself or his team by not being able to follow the simplest instructions.

If Lance explained it, Shiro would understand.

Maybe.

By the time the ceremony ended, Lance felt like his legs had fallen asleep and he wavered when he stood up. Hunk actually caught his elbow when he started to stumble.

"You got it?" Hunk asked. Lance nodded and grinned.

Soon Sairin was standing in front of them and he was introducing his three oldest daughters to them.

They were taller than most and very serious looking. Lance took the cue that he needed to be absolutely respectful to them. Their presence basically demanded it.

He didn't see the other girls that had spoken with them before and he imagined their father had instructed them to leave. Lance wasn't really that disappointed. The entire experience had left a sour feeling in his gut.

By the time they were done exchanging pleasantries, Lance's head was pounding and he just wanted to go back to the castleship and sleep. They still had the feast to attend though.

The meal passed by in a kind of haze, Lance nodded along and forced a grin throughout. Luckily, it went by fairly quickly and they were soon walking back to the castleship.

As they walked, Shiro reached out and tapped his arm, Lance jumped at the contact.

"Whoa, hey, I've been talking to you. You alright?"

Lance stared, his brain taking too long to catch up to what was being said.

“Lance?"

"Sorry. I'm fine."

"You seem quieter than usual."

"I'm just tired, I guess."

"Alright,” Shiro spoke gently, “well get some sleep. We're not going to have any training until after lunch tomorrow. Sleep in."

"...Okay," Lance responded slowly. As they walked, Lance absently rubbed at his temple. His head was throbbing and it felt like the sound around him was going in and out with his heartbeat.

Maybe he was coming down with something.

* * *

 

Lance awoke feeling so very tired. He thought he had been dreaming, but he couldn't remember the details. Something about explosions and low hummed singing.

No big deal. Nightmares weren’t exactly a rarity for any of them anymore.

His headache had diminished to a low ache behind his eyes. Nothing he couldn't handle easily. With a groan he forced himself out of bed and began his morning routine.

He had already showered and was running a brush through his hair when he had the strangest floating sensation. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it felt weird. He paused and stared as the sink went a bit blurry. It seemed far away; as though Lance's eyes were hovering around the ceiling instead of being in his skull.

Lance set the brush down with a decisive clink and everything zoomed back into focus. Lance blinked.

He took a few deep breaths and decided to ask Coran about painkillers. It was just a weird headache. Nothing to make a big deal out of.

* * *

 

Lance was able to procure some painkillers without Coran making a fuss. It wasn't the first time that a paladin had to seek out pain relief for something minor. Lance smiled widely enough that it seemed to persuade Coran that it was only a headache and nothing to worry about.

Which it was. Just a headache.

* * *

 

Training wasn't going well.

Lance was smiling and he was trying so hard, but everything seemed off today. It was like there was a delay in all of his actions. A delay and a wire crossed somewhere.

Shiro had told him to go right and Lance had immediately gone left.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Which meant their drill was momentarily paused as Lance got back into formation. They were all casting him odd glances.

He tried to laugh it off, but then Shiro was giving him a warning look.

Solemn and with his teeth grit, Lance tried to complete the exercise. It was literally just practice for getting into a formation and not letting yourself get pinned down during a fight. It wasn't hard stuff.

Lance moved and fell flat on his face. He felt the sting in his cheek from colliding with the floor and the air all leave his lungs in a _whoosh_. He stared into some middle distance, trying to gather himself, trying to tell his arms and legs to move like they were supposed to, forgetting to tell his lungs to take in oxygen.

Nothing responded right away and he lay still, unmoving, not breathing.

With a gasp, he jolted back to life, pushing off the floor and rolling onto his back.

_Breathe._

There wasn't any reason to flip out right now. They weren't even actually fighting.

_They're watching._

Lance tried to force himself into a sitting position, but wasn’t able to manage it. He had been dimly aware that Shiro had shouted at him when he had fallen. But then Lance hadn't moved and Shiro was calling off the training exercise and jogging over to be at his side.

"Are you hurt?" Shiro asked. Lance shook his head and gave a small smile that fell flat.

"Lance, can you sit up?"

"Yeah," Lance didn't sound confident though, so Shiro helped to pull him into a sitting position. Hunk was there too, looking concerned, but not wanting to crowd his friend.

"Just breathe for a second,” Shiro instructed.

"I'm alright. I just tripped,” Lance gasped out.

Shiro didn't look convinced.

"Sorry," Lance looked at the rest of his team that had moved closer to him in their concern. "Sorry, about that. I can do it. I'll do it right this time."

"I think that's enough for now. It's about dinner time anyway. We'll try again tomorrow." Shiro patted his back.

Lance did his best to keep the embarrassment off his face. There was no reason for him to be having this much trouble with this exercise.

“We all have bad days," Hunk patted his arm sympathetically as they walked out together. Lance tried to smile, but he found he couldn't put any sincerity into the expression.

As they headed out, Lance tried to shake off the feeling of failure that clung about him.

He ignored the buzzing sensation pressing down around his brain. He was fine.

* * *

 

At dinner, Lance pushed his food around on his plate. He felt hungry, but at the same time, he just felt like he shouldn't eat. Like it would make the fuzzy feeling worse somehow.

He forced a few bites anyway and, as his stomach turned, he mentally chided himself.

_You shouldn't have done that._

Lance sighed. Hopefully, nobody would notice...

"You alright?" Hunk asked, eyeing his friend with some concern. Of course he noticed how quiet Lance was being. Quiet and not really eating was setting off all kinds of alarm bells.

"Yeah..."

_It’s because you're weak._

Lance actually dropped his spoon. He was used to the little doubts and the cruel thoughts that sometimes went skittering through his mind. He'd had them for a while, but they weren't usually so _loud_.

He'd only had a few dark moments in his life when they had been like that. But he had been coping so well, there wasn't any reason...

"Lance?" Hunk sounded really worried now and Shiro had looked over in concern. Lance tilted his head and felt his mind go blank. He needed to say something. They were all starting to look at him like he had lost it.

_They think something's wrong with you._

"Just a headache. I'm going to go to my room." Lance got up abruptly and walked away, ignoring the way Hunk called at him to wait a second.

Lance found himself pacing the hallways. He just felt like he had an anxious energy coursing through him and it wouldn't allow him to stop. His headache started up again with a vengeance and he groaned in frustration.  The lights were digging into his eyes, sending sharp pain through his skull.

Lance finally did return to his room and he curled up on the bed in the dark. Hoping it would pass.

Maybe it really was some kind of weird alien sickness.

Lance felt so tired suddenly. Maybe he could take a little nap and feel better. Lance evened out his breathing, being sure to take deep, calming breaths, just like he had trained himself to do.

Within moments, he had drifted off into a light sleep.

* * *

 

Lance woke up slowly, realizing he had been dreaming. Something about fighting again. Fighting and crying? Someone had been crying.

There was an ache in his chest. Lance felt something of a jolt go through him. As though he had been dreaming about falling and had woken up as he hit the ground. An anxious energy blossomed in his chest and he moved his legs under the blankets. The movement didn't help the anxiety or tenseness in his muscles.

_Move, move, move._

Lance scrambled out of bed. Not bothering with his slippers or shoes, he stumbled to the door and into the hallway.

He walked briskly down the corridor with his arms crossed in an attempt to get rid of the anxious feeling.

His headache was still pounding and it didn't help matters. Hammering with each step he took. The pain rose to a point that he grimaced and shut his eyes against it. He thought it might split his head open and then it drained away all at once.

The pain was suddenly gone and Lance's muscles relaxed. He breathed deeply and easily as the tension in his chest dissipated. Lance actually slumped forward and put his hands on his knees, feeling like he had run a marathon.

After he caught his breath, a deep chill settled in his bones and goosebumps rose all over his arms.  He shuddered.

It had to be a fever. He must be sick. He should probably keep to himself, no sense in getting everyone sick. Lance felt a tug of loneliness pull at his heart. He hadn't liked being ill at the Garrison, so far away from his family. And now, he was in space. Calling his mom so she could fuss over him wasn't even an option.

He started to turn back to his room, but the thought of returning made his heart sink further.

It dawned on Lance that there was somewhere he _could_ go for company and he wouldn't have to worry about getting anyone sick. He sighed in relief, knowing he wouldn't have to be alone for the night, and turned towards Blue's hangar.

* * *

 

"Hey, Blue," Lance greeted quietly. He felt a soft hum thrum through his mind. Instantly, he felt warmer and steadier. "Wanna hang out?" He asked. He thought he could hear Blue chuckling at him.

Once Lance was in the cockpit, he stretched out on the floor, surprised when it actually felt quite warm. He tucked his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn't the most comfortable arrangement, but he felt safe and Blue's constant presence helped his mind to calm.

He was safe here.

* * *

 

Lance was awoken by pain. It didn't have a specific location and instead seemed to be everywhere, in every joint and muscle, as though his body was trying to rip itself apart. There was a deep rumble that shook Lance to his core.

Growling.

Blue was growling. It was the only way he could describe the way the floor underneath him shook and thrummed.

He tried to find his feet, to push himself up, but the whole time there was that deep rumbling and it felt as though Blue was angry.

_Get out, get out, get out._

Lance crawled on his hands and knees out of the cockpit. He couldn't find the strength to stand and he was now shaking so badly he thought he might not be able to make it.

"B-b-blue," he stammered out weakly. Something was wrong. Pain burst behind his eyelids and he cried out.

Eventually, he was able to crawl outside and collapse on the ground. The growling continued and Lance couldn't tell why. Had he done something wrong? It didn't make sense.

He gasped for air, even though it hurt his chest when his lungs expanded.

The pain slowly receded and the growling stopped. Blue returned to being still, though Lance felt like she was watching him closely.

Lance sat up and he felt the muscles in his stomach complain at the movement. The ache in his head slowly dulled.

"Blue, what was that about?" He asked when he had the strength to do so.

She remained still and quiet.

Lance felt a pang of loneliness again. He must have done something wrong. He would have to figure out a way to fix it.

"Sorry, Blue." Lance mumbled as he struggled to his feet. Without another word, he left the hangar.

It was too early in the morning for everyone else to be up, so Lance found himself aimlessly wandering the hallways, trying to think of ways to apologize to Blue.

_Maybe she's done with you._

Lance felt his throat tighten. That couldn't be it. That couldn't...

_It could be._

Lance stopped walking. He worked his jaw for a moment. No, he would figure out a way to apologize and they would be fine. As long as they didn't need to form Voltron before then, they would be okay.

_But what if the others find out?_

Lance felt something cold settle in his gut. He felt like he was going to be sick.

_They'll know you're useless._

No, it would be okay. He would figure it out.

Lance wrapped his arms around himself and dug his fingernails into his skin. He would be fine.

His eyes cast around the hallway, looking for something to distract himself. His gaze absently landed on the closest airlock. He remembered the time he almost got ejected out into space. That had been truly terrifying.

_The team would’ve been better off..._

Lance gasped, recoiling his arm from the control panel that he had been unconsciously reaching for.

_What the hell?_

Lance took a few steps back. His eyes had gone wide.

_What the hell was that?_

He turned jerkily, glancing around the hallway, making sure nobody had seen. He must have been more tired than he thought. Tired and hurting. He should go back to sleep.

_Right. Just go to sleep._

He could face this later. Figure something out with Blue and forget how dark his thoughts had gone.

_Get it together._

He forced himself to walk calmly, though all he wanted to do was run away. He put one foot in front of the other, putting unnecessary pressure into each step, until he got to his room. He forced himself to lay down on the bed. He curled onto his side, letting his eyes dart about the room, not settling on anything for too long.

_Sleep._

Lance tried to relax, but everything felt so twisted up. If he couldn't sleep he would be way too exhausted to train later.

_You'll mess up again._

The early morning passed by Lance. The others would be waking up now. He should sleep a little. Shiro would be meditating or maybe training. Keith would be trying to get an early sparring session in. Lance should squeeze in a little bit of sleep.

Time crept by and his mind went to static. Hunk would be making breakfast. He could nap before breakfast.

Everyone would be up by now. They would start looking for him soon; wondering why he didn't come down to eat.

_I don't have an excuse._

Lance felt frustrated tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He was so tired and hurting and now he couldn't get his brain to just shut off.

_What kind of sickness causes insomnia like this?_

Lance felt panic bubble up. They would ask him why he hadn't slept well and he didn't have an actual answer. He just couldn't.

Shiro would worry about him. Maybe lecture him about it. Then he would have to admit to what happened with Blue and what would they say then?

_They'll kick you out._

Lance sat up. They wouldn't do that.

Right?

Lance's head was pounding again. He needed to take something for it. He was obviously sick. They would let him have the day off if he was sick and then he could figure out why Blue was mad at him.

With a new determination, Lance ignored the way his body ached all over and went to go find Coran and some medicine. If he wasn't in pain, he could sleep. Then he would feel better and figure it all out.

Lance walked through the halls in his bare feet, ignoring the way the cold sent shivers up his spine.

* * *

 

"Here you are, my boy." Coran handed him some tablets and a water pouch. Lance took them gratefully.

"Thanks," Lance mumbled around the straw.

"You're welcome," Coran said as he put the bottle of pills away in one of the cabinets. "If it gets worse just let me know. I have a few other medicines for different symptoms, haven't had much of a chance to see what will work with humans though."

Lance nodded, he really hoped it didn't get worse.

* * *

 

Lance was sleeping in his room. The others had been told he wasn’t feeling well and when Hunk had checked on him, Lance had been sleeping soundly, so he left him alone. There was some worry about Lance's illness, but Coran didn't seem to think it was anything to be concerned over. It seemed to be decided that Lance just needed the rest.

Shiro decided he would check on him after training.

* * *

 

There was dirt all around him, surrounding him, trapping him... Lance looked up, he could see the sky above him. But then there was more dirt sliding down, blocking out the view of the clouds.

_Wait, wait, wait, I'm here. I'm here!_

Lance was paralyzed, unable to scream as he was buried alive. He thought he could hear voices. Someone was crying. But he was alone. Alone in the dark.

Cold fingers wrapped tightly around his wrist.

Lance screamed.

He woke with a start; blinking up at his ceiling in confusion with a scream dying on his lips. He let out a deep breath, tried to settle the pounding of his heart.

He became aware that someone was there; he could feel the mattress dipping under a weight and the sensation of a set of eyes on him.

Lance turned his head slowly. Someone was lying down with him.

Brown hair and skin that was… familiar.

He was looking at himself, but this mirror image’s eyes were shut.

But that didn't make sense...

The other Lance's eyes snapped open to reveal gaping holes. Lance froze, another scream got caught in his throat. A cold hand grabbed Lance's face and the doppelgänger smiled before cold hands wrapped around Lance's throat.

Lance shot up in bed, screaming. He flung out his arms and kicked his legs. All he managed to do was get tangled in the blankets, which only caused him to panic more.

Once he had succeeded in pushing all the blankets off, he scrambled out of the bed. He fell on the floor and fought back a hysterical sob before he was able to get to his feet again.

He ran out the door without looking back.

As his bare feet slapped against the metal floor, Lance felt his headache return in full force.

_It was a dream. Just a dream. Calm down._

Lance was pretty sure his rib cage was going to split open if his heart kept pounding like that.

_It felt real._

He couldn't slow his heart. He couldn't slow it down at all, he couldn't even breathe.

Lance turned a corner and ran into a smaller form. He let out a strangled scream and jumped backwards, bringing his arms up to defend himself.

"Lance?" Pidge exclaimed once she was able to catch her own breath. "You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing? Whoa." Pidge had caught sight of the way Lance was breathing and the way his shirt was soaked through with sweat. "Are you alright?"

Lance made a vague motion back towards his room and then at his neck, he couldn't explain it. Fear was closing up his throat and he felt like he was still being strangled. Tears sprung up in the corners of his eyes and he made a choking sound.

"Are you-? Lance, hang on, sit down. It's okay."

Lance sat down on the floor and Pidge knelt cautiously beside him.

"Alright." Pidge was studying him closely. "Can you breathe?"

Lance nodded jerkily.

"Just do that then. Just breathe."

Lance did as he was instructed. Breathing until it felt like his lungs were actually filling up with air. This was Pidge, he couldn't fall apart in front of her, he would scare her. He needed to pull it together.

Pidge was suddenly tugging at his shirt collar and it startled him so much that he jumped backwards, hitting his back against the wall.

"Sorry, sorry," she mumbled. "You just- you got something on your neck."

Lance gingerly reached up and ran his fingers over his neck. It hurt. His whole neck really hurt. Lance grimaced, trying not to think about cold fingers crushing his trachea.

"Lance, it's all red. Is it like a rash or something?"

"No," Lance replied hoarsely, his throat ached. He pressed lightly at the skin. Bruised. It felt bruised. But that wasn't possible. It had been a dream.

"Should I get Hunk?" Pidge finally asked. Hunk was better at calming people down and he also had the strength to carry Lance if he needed to.

Lance wanted to say no. This was so stupid. It was just a dream!

Lance nodded slightly. He couldn't help it, he was scared and he was shaking, though he didn't know if it was from sitting on the cold floor or fear.

"Okay, I will be right back. He's not far." Pidge stood up quickly and jogged away.

"Hunk!" Pidge shouted too loudly down the hall. Lance jumped slightly at the noise, but he found it comforting to know that Hunk was possibly within shouting range.

In Pidge's absence, the hallway went eerily silent. The hair on the back of Lance's neck stood up as he felt like there were eyes on him again.

He looked one way and then the other down the hall. Nobody was there. He was alone. Lance cleared his throat and rubbed gently at his neck.

_You should have died._

Lance blinked. It had been a dream. A dream wasn't going to kill him. Lance's gut twisted and he shuddered. He leaned against the wall to leverage himself up. He couldn't sit here anymore, it was creeping him out.

He slowly walked down the hall, ignoring the way his knees shook.

* * *

 

Hunk had met Lance in the hallway and immediately helped him to the infirmary. He fretted over him the entire time and Lance tried to tell him he was okay, even though he absolutely wasn't.

Pidge had gone for Shiro and he soon showed up with Coran trailing behind him. Lance was sitting on the exam cot, concentrating on breathing evenly as Shiro turned his head one way and then the other before his hands fell away.

"What happened?" Shiro asked with a deep frown. Lance shrugged.

"Woke up like this," Lance forced out. Shiro looked at him as though he was weighing something in his mind, sizing up the situation.

"They're bruises." Shiro splayed his fingers out in front of Lance's face. "Finger shaped.”

Shiro tilted his hand so that it lined up with the marks and Lance leaned away from his fingers. Shiro let his hand drop to his side.

"So, what happened, Lance?"

"Bruises." Lance echoed. "Are you sure?" He hated how scared he sounded. Something like sadness briefly crossed Shiro's face.

"Yes, there's a bruise behind your ear where a thumb would have pressed. So what's going on?"

Lance brought a hand up and felt behind his ear, it was sore. He shook his head. He couldn't explain it; it would make him sound crazy.

"Lance, if someone hurt you... bruises can take time to form, so if it's from Klaycera or any other time..."

"I had a dream," Lance interrupted. He couldn't let Shiro thinking that someone had hurt him while they were down on a planet. "I dreamed that... I was being strangled... And then I woke up, like this."

"Coran," Shiro turned to the Altean who had been listening and watching intently. "Do you know anything that would cause that?"

"Bruises to form without a physical culprit? There are a few highly suggestable disorders that may cause something like that." Coran pulled at his mustache.

"Can you scan for something like that?"

"Yes, yes I can."

Lance got the impression that he was being ignored. It made sense. Dreams can't hurt you. Everyone knew that. They thought there was something else wrong with him.

Lance jumped at the hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, man," Hunk mumbled. "You alright?"

"Not really."

"It sounds really scary. Your dream, I mean." Hunk hopped onto the exam cot beside Lance and huddled close. Lance nodded and leaned into Hunk's shoulder. He sighed at the contact, feeling some of his tension drain away. He was hurting and he was still scared, but it felt manageable with his friend by his side.

He was safe.

* * *

 

The scan didn't turn up anything besides the bruises that they already knew about. Coran had given Lance a cold pack to put on his neck. Lance tried not to panic when he wrapped it around his throat. It was okay, he was okay. He was given some painkillers and told to rest. Lance could see the worry in Shiro and Coran’s eyes, he tried not to let that scare him more.

“Want to go back to your room?" Hunk asked.

"No," Lance snapped too quickly. He fought to keep the panic out of his voice. "I mean, I can stay. I'll just stay here."

"Alright. You want me to sit with you?"

"Yeah," Lance answered quietly. Hunk pulled up a chair and sat down with a gentle smile. Lance breathed deeply, trying to relax.

On the other side of the room, Coran and Shiro were talking quietly.

"There's nothing on any of the scans, Shiro. What about human illnesses? Is there anything that would cause marks like that?"

"Nothing I know of, outside of being strangled," Shiro answered grimly.  

"Shiro, what do you think happened then?"

"He's never been left alone with someone we don't know." Shiro forced a breath out of his nose. "And it wasn't any of us, that only leaves... him. It leaves him."

"You think he would strangle himself?"

“He says he was dreaming, so maybe it was like a… hallucination and he couldn’t control it.”

"Besides the headache he complained about earlier, he doesn't have any other symptoms.” Coran was frowning deeply. “I will keep looking for something. I'll try another scan."

After the next scan turned up nothing, Coran went to update Allura. Shiro took a break as well. He wanted to go talk to Pidge and make sure she was okay. Hunk was left alone with his friend who had now fallen into a light sleep.

Hunk was ready to keep watch over Lance, but in a short amount of time, he felt like an uneasy quietness had settled over the whole castle. He couldn’t ignore the weird prickling sensation that crawled up his neck.

Hunk shuddered despite himself. He gripped Lance’s hand and focused on the warmth there. This was okay. Everything was okay.

* * *

 

Hunk smiled when Lance’s eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Alright, I guess."

"You hungry? I was just thinking about grabbing us some dinner."

"Yeah, sounds good," Lance lied.

"Alright, will you be okay for a little bit? I won't be long."

"Yeah, I'm fine." Lance didn't want Hunk to have to watch him all the time. It was probably boring and annoying. It didn't matter how Lance felt. Hunk didn't deserve to have to babysit him.

As soon as Hunk left, Lance tried to relax and go back to sleep. But his headache had crept back up on him and soon it was pounding in his skull with persistence. He was probably due for painkillers. Lance looked over to the cabinets; he could just get them himself, no reason to bother anyone over a stupid headache. Though, he thought he might be a bit feverish now too.

Feeling a bit dazed, he rolled off his cot and wandered over to the cabinet.

Yeah, this was fine.

* * *

 

Lance was scrabbling through the shelves, disorganizing the bottles of pills as he went. A few containers fell, hit the floor and rolled away. He barely noticed. He needed that one bottle for the headache. He had to find it, his skull felt like it was going to split in two.

The labels were all in Altean. He would have to go by what the pills looked like. He uncapped a bottle and knocked some of its contents into his hand.

_Not that one._

He repeated the action, pills dropped to the ground, but he ignored them. Caught up in his own sudden frenzy, he opened up bottle after bottle.

_No no no no._

Wait. This one was right. These looked right. Or maybe these other ones...

Distantly, Lance felt his legs give out completely and he sunk to the floor.

He could take both. That would probably be fine. Yeah, it would be okay. He raised his shaking hand to his lips when he felt something collide roughly into his side.

Pill bottles went rolling across the floor and the handful of pills that Lance had been about to swallow, went flying in all directions. The few tablets that had managed to stick to Lance's palm were slapped away.

"What the hell are you doing?" 

Lance reached for the pills that had bounced away, he needed those!

Someone was grabbing his shoulders roughly.

"Have you lost your damn mind? Shit, Lance! What are you trying to do?"

Lance blinked, realizing that Keith was shaking him. Oh. Keith had slammed into him, was shouting at him now. Why? Lance looked beyond Keith and saw Pidge looking horrified. She was frozen in place, unable to take in the situation. If Keith hadn't been with her when she had walked into the infirmary, she would have been too stunned to do anything and she would have just watched Lance… She was grateful that she had been talking to Keith about Lance being sick and that he had agreed to go with her to check on him. But they hadn't been expecting to find... this.

Lance looked at them and then down at the ground. There were bottles and pills all around him and when had that happened? When had he opened so many?

"I didn't..." was all Lance managed to get out before he choked and began crying.

_You can't do anything right._

* * *

 

Shiro was pacing in front of the exam cot while Lance sat perfectly still with his hands folded between his knees. Coran was cleaning up the mess Lance had made on the other side of the room. He was carefully and quietly sorting pills back. Everyone else had been told to wait outside. Shiro wanted to talk to Lance alone.

"What's going on, Lance?" Shiro finally spoke. Lance had never heard that tone before, like Shiro was swallowing down fear.

"I don't know,” Lance whispered.

"You... Lance, why wouldn't you tell one of us? If things were that bad? You could have talked to me."

"I wasn't trying to..."

"Lance," Shiro picked up the empty bottles from the side table. Keith had given these two bottles to Shiro, telling him that these were the ones that Lance had been about to take.

"This is a painkiller." Shiro held up the other bottle as well, "this is something for Alteans that will hurt you. You were trying to take a bunch of both."

"I didn't mean to. I was just trying to get rid of my headache,” Lance insisted.

"A headache? Nearly an entire bottle of pills because of a headache? Lance, please... Just please. I'm not mad, I'm just worried. Please talk to me."

"I didn't know I was going to take that many."

"You didn't know?"

"I didn't see that. I didn't see it." Lance bit his lip, fighting back tears.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know!" Lance’s voice broke in frustration.

"Okay, just calm down. Let’s talk through it, alright?"

"I don't want to die, okay? I don't. I want to see my family. I want to go home. I don't want to die. I don't know why! I don't know why!" Lance had screwed his eyes shut and he was aware that he was shouting now and fresh tears were pouring down his face. He felt a warmth on his lips that signaled his nose was running and that was humiliating on its own, but Lance felt like his arms had locked up as he dug his fingers into his kneecaps. He choked on saliva and sobbed harder.

"Coran," Shiro was calling. He had a tremor to his voice that Lance had definitely never heard before. "Coran, get a towel."

Lance shuddered as an icy sensation dropped down his back. He tried to say something, but he choked and felt a metallic tang on his tongue.

_Why....?_

"Lance, your nose is bleeding." A towel was shoved into Lance's face. "Tilt your head forward. Let's try to stop the blood draining down your throat."

Lance did as he was told, but it didn't matter how much Shiro kept telling him to breathe and to calm down. He just kept sobbing and the blood covering his face now wasn't helping matters.

While still holding the towel to Lance's face, Shiro slowly reached and took one of Lance's hands in his own. He started massaging Lance's knuckles, trying to get the boy's fingers to stop clawing at each other. Lance didn't even realize he had been doing that. No wonder his hands were starting to hurt.

"Calm down," Shiro whispered gently.

"I'm going to run another scan," Coran sounded detached. Shiro nodded at him, without taking his eyes off of Lance's shaking form.

They had to find the cause of this, before it tore Lance apart.

* * *

 

The scan found nothing. Coran was more frustrated than Shiro had ever seen him.

“There’s nothing _there_ , Shiro,” Coran said, obviously agitated by his unproductive search. “Even if it was something the system wasn’t familiar with, there should be at least remnants of an infection or a virus.”

Shiro had nodded, trying to keep a level head, it wasn’t a hopeless situation. They would just have to keep looking.

When Lance seemed a little bit more stable, they suggested he go back to his room, thinking he might be more comfortable there. Lance was reluctant to leave until Hunk said he would go with him.

The two of them stayed up talking quietly for a long time in Lance’s room. Hunk was telling him a story about the first time he made cookies on his own when he was a kid. How the shortening had gone bad and made everything taste disgusting. Lance was drifting off to sleep. He didn't know why he was so tired. He had been sleeping all day...

Lance awoke to find Hunk asleep in the chair that he had brought in. Lance was just thinking that his friend looked uncomfortable, when the urge to move hit him again. It made him feel immediately sick. He was hurting so much, he didn't want to...

_Move move move_

Panic hit him and he was quietly fumbling to his feet. Without waking Hunk, he slid out the door and walked as fast as he could in one random direction.

He soon found his way in front of the training deck. He stood there and stared at the entrance. It was as good a place as any to work off some nervous energy. Maybe he could just run though some exercises. Never mind that he was in socks and pajamas. He could just do something simple.

That would probably be alright.

* * *

 

Lance was sweating profusely and he kept falling over, hitting the ground before realizing what had happened. The training wasn't going well.

_You really can't do anything right._

Lance tried to stand, but his legs gave out and he fell on his hands and knees on the cold floor. He mumbled to end the exercise. He swallowed down the pain in his chest. It felt like he had been struck there. Blearily, Lance thought that something was wrong. Something felt deeply out of place. It itched at the back of his mind, telling him there was danger here. He turned the thought over, why would there be danger here? He heard an odd noise, clipped footsteps walking towards him. The sparring bot was in front of him, raising its weapon, bringing it down towards his head.

"End training! End! End! Shit! Shit!"

Lance blinked as the bot stopped its attack and powered down. He swiveled his head and saw Shiro running towards him. He had one arm out as if he could have reached Lance before the boy got his head bashed in.

"Damnit, Lance. What are you doing?" Shiro was tilting Lance's head one way and then the other, examining it for injury.

"Just trainin'" Lance was startled by how much his face hurt. It felt like he had taken a few hits to it.

"Can you move your arm? Move your fingers."

Lance glanced down, surprised at the blood on his knuckles. When had that happened? He wiggled his fingers but his right arm felt slow and weighted down. There was a sharp pain and Lance sucked in a breath.

"What..." Lance breathed out, blinked at the little drops of blood dotting the floor. Was his nose bleeding again?

Shiro placed a hand to his forehead and Lance hissed at the stinging pain.

The world seemed to finally snap back into focus.

The wetness on his face was blood from a cut above his eyebrow. Shiro was applying pressure to it. Lance was having trouble moving his right arm and his eye and cheek had swollen, making it difficult to see and talk.

"Lance," Shiro was repeating his name, "what were you thinking? Why would you train against the bot alone, with no gear or anything? Do you even know what level it was on? What are you trying to do?"

Shiro’s questions were coming too fast to process and Lance struggled to explain. "I didn't do that. I didn't... I didn't..." Lance tried to remember, but there was a huge gap in his memory. He had meant to train, he hadn't summoned the bot. He hadn't...

_Let it win._

The memory of the thought crossed his mind and he felt nausea build in his stomach. He hadn't really meant to, but he must have... He must have.

"Something's wrong, Shiro. Something's wrong with me."

Shiro gently, gently placed his hand on the side of Lance's face.

"It's alright. It's going to be okay. We'll figure it out."

_It's useless._

Lance burst into unexpected tears, crying brokenly into Shiro's shoulder.

“You’re alright, it’s going to be alright.” Shiro repeated the words, unsure who he was trying to convince anymore.

* * *

 

Lance was sitting on the exam cot again while Coran scanned him once more. Shiro was holding both of Lance’s hands firmly in his own. Every time he let go of them, Lance would start to claw at himself or press too hard into his forehead, opening up the cut there again.

"What are you thinking about right now?" Shiro asked quietly. Lance didn't seem to be able to focus too long on anything in the present. He kept staring off in the distance as if he was listening to a far off voice. Shiro thought if he could get him to talk, maybe Lance could stay with him.

"Lance?" Shiro prompted.

"The airlock out in the hallway," Lance muttered. Lance wasn’t ashamed by it anymore, he had gone numb and resigned himself to the way his thoughts were spiraling into darkness.

Shiro tried not to react. Something wasn't right, it had to be a sickness that effected the brain. This didn't seem like Lance anymore.

"I feel like..." Lance trailed off.

"Like what?"

"I don't want to, but it's... it keeps going through my mind. When I try to stop it, my head hurts."

Shiro nodded. "Hang in there, alright? We're going to figure out what's going on."

There was a long pause as Lance cast his eyes around the room, looking lost in thought again.

"What are you thinking about?" It was like a disturbing game Shiro had invented and if he asked calmly enough, Lance would answer him.

"Bottles in the cabinet."

"We moved those."

"Knives in the kitchen."

"You wouldn't be able to get there."

"My bayard."

"Isn't here."

Shiro wanted to throw up, but he kept it up, even though he felt like his heart was shattering.

"Your arm."

Shiro let his prosthetic hand fall away and he turned, attempting to put some distance between Lance and the weapon.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I can control my arm."

"Not always." Lance's voice had taken on a deeper quality and when Shiro looked at him, he realized that his expression had changed. Lance was glaring, with piecing, focused eyes.

Lance's lips pulled back and he bared his teeth in a twisted grin. The hair on Shiro's neck stood up.

"Lance?" Shiro questioned. There was a blink and the grin was gone, replaced by Lance's lost look from before.

"Lance?"

Lance lightly put one hand to his face, ghosting his fingers along the cut.

"I don't feel good," he mumbled, on the verge of tears again.

"It's going to be okay." But Shiro's voice had the slightest waver to it now.

In his mind, Shiro was listing mental disorders that developed in the late teens and early adulthood. _Major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder... schizophrenia..._

Or there could be some space illness causing it all, something they didn’t know about.

Coran cleared his throat and Shiro turned to look at him, trying to appear steadier than he felt.

"His arm has a fracture and his ribs are cracked. Pod would be best for now."

"Is there any sign of an infection or a virus? What about his brain? Is there anything unusual? Any imbalances or anything like that?"

"He has a slight fever, but there is nothing else I can see." Coran brushed his hand gently over the top of Lance's head. "We don't know everything though and I'm afraid everything I know about humans comes from you five, well, four and a half with Keith."

It took some time to maneuver Lance into a pod. Lance had seemed to check out and he wasn’t fully cooperating.

"It's going to be okay," Shiro assured him as they finally set him up in a pod. Lance only blinked at him and Shiro felt the uncomfortable twisting in his gut again.

It wasn't right. Lance wasn't right. Lance wouldn't do this. He wouldn't try to overdose, he wouldn't allow the training bot to beat him to death.

He wouldn't.

The pod was activated with a hiss and Shiro felt the weight bear down harder on his shoulders.

"I have to talk to Hunk and the others.” Shiro swallowed. “It's nearly morning, Hunk's probably looking for him now. He's probably worried." Shiro ran a hand over his face. "I wouldn't have..." Shiro cleared his throat. "I wouldn't have found him if I had been able to sleep. My insomnia, it's not something I'm usually grateful for."

Coran let out a long sigh beside him.

"What is going on, Coran?" That was the youngest Shiro had ever sounded.

"I don't know," Coran answered honestly. "I wish I did."

Shiro hoped with every fiber of his being that it would all get better once Lance was out of the pod.

It couldn't get worse than this.

* * *

 

Lance was dreaming. In his dream he could see himself in the pod. He could see Coran and his team all huddled around talking quietly. The word 'suicidal' was being gently passed around in scared whispers. They all looked so worried. A sharp pain dug into his skull and then he was in the pod, looking out at the room. An unfamiliar figure stood there. Dark and shapeless. Lance tried to speak out, but he couldn't.

_Die..._

The word echoed through Lance's head. Filling up the space there.

_Die..._

The word dug deep into his gut and clenched his heart tight.

_Die, die, die, die..._

An alarm blared somewhere.

_Something's wrong._

_What is it? What happened?_

_He's deteriorating. Everything is shutting down… I need to get him out. All of you, move! Hand me that box there!_

_Lance! Lance!_

The pain all stopped at once _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do leave me a comment. I love them and I read them all the time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very tired. I will be back for the mistakes.

Coran had shot Lance full of a bunch of chemicals to get his organs to respond, to get his heart to beat. Shiro assumed some of it must have been something like adrenaline, but he didn't know the names of the others. Lance didn’t come back to them in a startling display of gasping breaths and relieved tears. One moment he was still and the next he was taking in quiet breaths, his chest was moving regularly, but his eyes would not open.  

Lance had been in the healing pod for only about a day and Coran said it had begun to repair the breaks in Lance’s arm and his ribs, but that he would still be pretty sore, having not been able to finish healing completely. Coran fitted him with a brace that would keep his arm steadier and support it while it healed on its own. He wouldn’t risk putting him in the pod again. Not until after they figured out what was going on.  

It was after he was fit with the brace that Lance’s eyes flickered open and he looked at Hunk and asked him what had happened.

Hunk had cried in relief.

* * *

 

Lance was curled up on the infirmary cot, swaddled by blankets. Hunk was beside him, sitting quietly, holding Lance's left hand. Lance had fallen quiet, the only proof that he was aware of what was happening, was the way he periodically squeezed Hunk’s fingers.

Coran and Shiro were away, sending a transmission to the Klaycera, asking if they knew of an illness like this. Keith and Pidge had both stepped out as well, feeling a need to do something to keep busy. They both had a lot of nervous energy pent up and had been terrified by the recent turn of events. They just needed some time to clear their heads and then they would be back. Hunk had agreed to keep an eye on things while the others were away.

They hadn’t been resting for long, when Lance let go of Hunk’s hand. Hunk immediately started to ask what was wrong.

"Bathroom," Lance whispered. He didn’t seem to have the energy to speak any louder.

"Yeah, alright, no problem." Hunk helped untangle the blankets from Lance's limbs. He supported him as he swung his legs over the side of the bed.

They walked slowly to the little lavatory attached to the infirmary.

"You got it?" Hunk asked as he led him inside. Lance nodded and let go of Hunk, shuffling to the toilet.

Hunk stepped outside, but he left the door open.

"I'm just right here, okay?"

"'kay," Lance mumbled.

Hunk tried to occupy himself as Lance did his business. He heard the toilet flush and then the sound of the small sink running.

Running.

Running.

Running.

"You alright?" Hunk called as he turned, prepared to help if Lance was shaky on his feet.

But Lance was standing completely motionless, staring in the mirror with a sharp intensity.

"Lance?" Hunk tried not to sound worried over the way Lance had begun to scowl at himself, at the look of disgust that crossed his features.

"Lance?" Hunk repeated, stepping into the room. Lance tried to move his right arm, but the brace slowed the movement, he quickly raised his left fist instead and slammed his knuckles into his reflection.

Once.

Twice.

The mirror was shattering; pieces were raining down on the sink. Hunk overcame his shock and he lunged for his friend, but Lance grabbed a piece of the broken mirror and brandished it at Hunk.

"Don't touch me," and his voice was deep and low and very much not like Lance. Hunk gaped and threw up his hands, panicking over this new development.

"Lance?" Hunk choked out.

"Lance? Lance? Lance? Is that all you can say?" He mocked. "You're as worthless as he is," he spit out.

"What?” Hunk was shocked, but he was overcoming it quickly. “What the hell is going on?” He was surprised at how steady his voice was because, yes, he was scared, but he was also angry. Lance hadn't been acting like himself lately and now he was completely different. And Hunk had seen enough scary movies to know a demon voice when he heard one. This wasn't his friend anymore, this was something dark.

"You can't save him! You can't save him!" Not-Lance was screaming; spitting and clenching the mirror tightly enough that Hunk could see blood dripping from between his friend’s fingers.

"Lance!" Hunk had to get through to him. He had to still be in there.

"I'll kill him! I'll kill all of your friends!"

Not seeing another way, Hunk was about to tackle him to the ground when Lance stopped moving all at once. And then with a jerk he was screaming again, but his voice was different. Frail and desperate, but mad as hell.

"Don't you dare hurt Hunk! Don't you dare!"

“Lance?" Hunk cautiously reached out.

Lance looked up with tears spilling onto his cheeks and lips shaking.

"Hunk, I'm so sorry." The jagged mirror fell from his hand. "He's so angry. He's so angry." Lance fell forward, his strength finally leaving him. Hunk rushed forward to catch him.

"Angry?" Hunk whispered. "Who is he?"

"He's dead. He won't get out. He hates me so much." Lance was crying in Hunk's arms and he was shaking so hard, Hunk thought he might be having some kind of fit.

"Lance... is it like a ghost then?"

Lance breathed out deeply, relieved that Hunk was beginning to understand. Honestly, Lance had only really figured it out after he woke up from the pod.

"Need to go back to the Klaycera’s planet. Maybe they'll know what to do."

"The Klaycera’s planet?”

"He's from there. He was buried there, I saw..." Lance trailed off, fading away. Hunk panicked, thinking he would lose him again.

"Alright, alright," Hunk wrapped his arms around his friend. "We'll go back. We'll take care of it."

Lance began quietly recounting his dreams to Hunk, talking about seeing a mirror image of  himself, how this thing looked like him, but it was cold and eyeless and wrong. Hunk listened and he was scared, but he knew that Lance must be even more terrified. He had to hold it together for his friend.

Lance stayed in Hunk's arms until Shiro and Coran returned. Shiro turned the sink off, ending the static like noise that had run continuously through the background of their real life nightmare. He kicked shards of the mirror out of the way and then knelt beside Hunk and Lance on the bathroom floor. He began carefully running his fingers through Lance’s hair.

“What happened?” Shiro asked quietly. Hunk had never heard Shiro sound so tired. Hunk tried to explain, but he struggled to get the words out. Shiro sighed and helped them both off the floor. He ended up carrying Lance back to the bed, not even looking surprised when he saw the boy’s bleeding hand.

Coran then explained that the transmission with the Klaycera had been brief and they had been cryptic, but they had insisted that the Paladins should return, that it was necessary. The castleship had already set a course back to the planet.

They would be arriving there in a few vargas.

* * *

 

Shiro didn't really believe in ghosts or demons. But when Hunk was finally able to explain what had happened, Shiro was willing to try anything if it meant helping Lance.

Lance fell asleep while Coran bandaged his hand. They were all grateful that Lance was able to rest. At least if he was sleeping, he wasn’t trying to hurt himself.

When they arrived at the Klaycera’s planet, they requested Sairin to come aboard and examine their sick teammate.

Sairin took one foot into the infirmary before he frowned deeply and turned to Shiro.

"I told you all not to look away from the tree during the ceremony."

"This is happening because of a tree?" Keith sounded slightly furious. "Why didn't you say _this_ would happen? You never said anything about this!"

"There are conditions," Sairin limped over to a still sleeping Lance and set a hand on his forehead. "Somebody has to say your name at the ceremony and you must look away from the tree. But spirits only do this when they're unhappy. They are drawn to those who are the same, those who are… lonely or distressed in some way. I didn't think any one of you would meet all the conditions. Not many do.”

"Unhappy?" Hunk choked out. "He wants to kill everyone!"

"That is uncommon,” Sairin only looked slightly bothered by that information, “but it all depends on who it is. If this was a hateful Klayceran then he will still be hateful, I'm afraid. Death does not change who we are."

"Well, who said Lance's name?" Hunk asked. Shiro looked suddenly uncomfortable.

"I scolded him for turning during the ceremony. It must have been my fault." Shiro was still wrapping his brain around the possibility of a teammate being possessed by an alien ghost, when renewed guilt came over him. At least guilt was something he was familiar with.

"No," Pidge broke in. "Those girls, uh, your daughters, they were talking about Lance. They said his name a few times. They were arguing about him or something."

Sairin turned a bright red color, the Paladins didn't know if it was anger or embarrassment that caused it. A moment later he flickered back to his more neutral tone.

"I am deeply sorry. They will be reprimanded and I will take the utmost care in the spirit's removal."

"You can do that? You can get rid of it?" Hunk asked hopefully.

"Yes, but I'm afraid it will be an arduous task.” Sairin looked at all the Paladins gathered around him. “He will have to be strong. You will all have to be strong."

* * *

 

The Klaycera didn't call it an exorcism, but that's basically what it was.

There was a huge circle marked on the ground with sacred ash that surrounded the biggest tree. The Klaycera would burn one tree every 100 years or so and the ash and cinders were considered blessed and used in their rituals. The ash looped around the tree, but jutted out on one side. In this elongated section of the circle, there was a smaller circle of ash that sat right on the edge. This is where Lance was told to sit. Candles were place around the edge of the large circle and they were slowly being lit as Hunk supported Lance as he stepped inside, careful not to disturb the cinders. The Paladins were told to sit around him, while Coran and Allura were sitting further away, around the other side of the tree. Sairin said the Alteans were in a position called the ‘Watcher's Place.’ They had to make sure nothing disturbed the candles or ash on any side.

"You can stay with him for now," Sairin had told Hunk calmly. "Keep him calm."

Lance was dressed in just his shirt, hoodie and jeans instead of the armor. They were trying to make sure he was as comfortable as possible. The brace was still on his upper arm, underneath his jacket and his hand was wrapped in gauze. He was shaking hard and he kept swallowing back the nausea that crept up his throat. He didn’t look calm at all, he looked like a mess.

There was a bubbling rage that burned just below the surface of Lance's mind. He forced it down again and again. He couldn't relax, he couldn't let his guard down. The last time he did that, Hunk had almost been hurt.

He pressed into Hunk's side, focusing on the warmth, trying to let it be an anchor as he fought down this other being that was waiting for a chance to take over again.

Even now, a part of his mind still whispered.

_Move move move. Get up! Run from here._

But that wasn't Lance's thoughts. Lance could recognize it now.

"Stop that," Lance shuddered out.

"What?" Hunk whispered back, shifting to look at his friend's face.

"Not talking to you," Lance mumbled.

"...Alright." Hunk tried to sound as if this wasn't freaking him out. He had to be strong, keep Lance as calm as possible. He offered Lance water and a little bit of broth that had been brought in for him. Sairin said he would need it to keep up his strength. Lance only took small sips of what was given to him.

The other Paladins took their places outside of the circle of candles. They knelt on the ground, getting as close as they were able. Sairin had warned them not to disturb the ash, not to move into the circle for any reason. Doing so would cause this thing to jump to another host and they didn't want that.

"You're not going to be able to touch him," Sairin had explained earlier. "Until after the cleansing is finished, he will have to be on his own."

"How long is it going to take?" Shiro had asked.

Sairin had smiled sadly, "that depends on him and the spirit he carries. If we knew the name of the spirit, we could push it out faster. Not knowing the name could take an entire day. Has he said anything about what the spirit looks like? Sometimes they will take their original forms in dreams.”

“He said it looked like him,” Hunk muttered.

“Oh, well, that is a trick that they’ll play sometimes. Mirroring a host is common. That is unfortunate. We will do our best with what we know.” Sairin clapped his hands together. “Now, if any of you wish to leave during the ritual, do not turn your back to the tree. Stand up slowly and leave this place."

"We're not leaving." Pidge had declared. Sairin had only smiled and nodded at her. “We aren’t going to leave Lance,” she insisted.

“Of course not,” Sairin had agreed calmly. “You are all very brave.”

Pidge was being honest when she had declared that they would all stay, but as the ceremony was starting, the very air had changed, taking on a heavy quality. The atmosphere was suffocating and it made her heart beat too fast.

Now Sairin was motioning to Hunk. "It's time. We are ready to begin."

Hunk nodded and he reluctantly untangled himself from Lance. Lance whimpered slightly at the lack of warmth and Hunk felt a pain in his chest that might have been his heart breaking. He took his place among the others, kneeling on the ground and breathing deeply. Shiro sat a hand on his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay." Shiro promised. Hunk nodded, though he wasn't sure if he had ever felt something was less okay.

Left alone in his circle of ash and with a line of candles separating him from his friends, Lance wavered back and forth in his seated position.

Now, Sairin moved into a line behind the Paladins with about ten other Klaycerans. They began to hum a low song.

The cleansing had begun.

* * *

 

"Take deep breaths with me, okay?" Shiro encouraged. Lance nodded, but he had his eyes shut and he was digging his fingers into the dirt. He was in pain.

"Breathe in."

Lance did as he was told, dragging in air through shaking lips.

"Breathe out."

Lance held onto the air a moment longer before letting it all escape his lungs in a loud _whoosh_.

"Good. Again."

Shiro's knees were only a few inches away from the row of candles. He got as close as he physically could without disrupting the process. It had quickly become painful to watch Lance, sitting all on his own.  

Lance had begun to sweat, but he complained of being too cold. Shiro was concentrating on making sure he didn't slip into any kind of panic attack.

"Everything hurts," Lance stuttered out on an exhale. Shiro took a deep breath for his own benefit.

"Want to lie down? There's enough room for you to."

Lance hesitated a moment before he nodded and let his arms give out so that he was lying in the dirt. He rolled onto his back and wrapped his arms around his torso.

"Keep breathing," Shiro prompted. Lance took in five shallow breaths before he suddenly stopped.

"Lance?" Hunk asked. Lance swallowed and pressed his lips together tightly. His body lurched forward, his shoulders lifting off the ground as he made a gagging noise in his throat.

"Turn your head!" Keith snapped, realizing what was happening before the others caught on. Lance did as he was told, turning his head and retching into the dirt. He choked and attempted to push himself up on his elbow, but he was shaking too much and he collapsed back onto his side.

Shiro's hands hung uselessly in the air, very nearly passing the line he had been warned against crossing. Hunk had consciously drawn his arms in, keeping himself from reaching for his friend. When Lance had finished gagging, he lay still, letting spit drip from his mouth. His eyes had gone a bit glazed and Hunk wondered if he was still there.

"Lance?" Hunk whispered.

"Can you move back a little, buddy?" Shiro asked, worrying over Lance face planting in his own vomit. Lance propped himself onto his elbow and spat in the dirt.

"Disgusting," he remarked bitterly. The tone had changed and Hunk's heart dropped. Lance's body slowly moved back into a kneeling position and he glared up at Shiro.

"That's not him," Hunk mumbled to Shiro. It hadn't really been necessary to say it, they had all seen the change.

"I don't suppose it would make any difference if I _asked_ you to leave my teammate?" Shiro said levelly.

Lance's head lolled to the side and a grin stretched up the corners of his mouth.

"Why? Why do you want to save him? This pathetic boy."

"Lance is important to us," Shiro responded immediately. The smile on Lance's face faded and his head lolled to the other side.

"Did you know I was whispering death into his ears for days? Did you know he didn't even realize it wasn't his own thoughts? Pitiful, stupid-”

"Shut up," Keith bit out. He had been doing his best to stay calm through this entire thing, but it was really pissing him off now. How could he just sit here and do nothing? "Shut your damn mouth."

"Tell me to shut up? You? You're Galra filth! The universe would be better off without your kind!"

"Hey!" Pidge blurted out from her place beside Keith. "You're the filth. Why don't you just leave already? There's no point in dragging it out. You're going to have to leave eventually."

Pidge wasn't prepared for the focused stare of this... thing that had taken over her friend. She had never seen a loathing look like that on Lance's face.

"You think you can save him?” He leaned forward, face coming close to the row of candles. “He's going to die, just like your father, like your brother. You can't save anyone!" Spittle flew from his mouth in his rage.

"My family is alive!" Pidge bit out, leaning forward, coming too close to the edge.

"Enough!" Shiro moved deliberately in front of Pidge, knocking her backwards and blocking her from that harsh stare. Shiro blindly reached back, placing a supportive hand on Pidge's arm, willing her not to be goaded into a fight. It's what this thing wanted.

"Shiro." Sharp eyes now locked on his new target. "Why are you fighting so hard to save him? He dies now or he dies later. Would you rather him be captured, tortured by the Galra? He won't survive that. You know he won't. You won't win this war. It's a matter of time before he is killed. They are all going to die!"

Lance jerked suddenly and his fists clenched tightly.

"Shut up, shut up," Lance hissed, dipping his head down, close to the ground.

"Lance?" Hunk asked. Lance looked up with bloodshot eyes and he nodded before letting himself fall back onto the ground with a groan.

"Lance!" Shiro was alarmed, thinking Lance had fallen into unconsciousness.

"Still here," Lance mumbled, though his eyes were shut.

"Just try to hang on, it won't be long now. You'll be demon free soon." Hunk was trying to sound like he wasn’t freaking out, but his voice shook anyway.

"Not a demon," Lance forced out.

"Well, he's not a good spirit." Keith muttered. He tapped the ground in irritation, having no other way to release his anger.

Lance's eyebrows furrowed and he went still for a long time. He eventually reached up and clenched his bandaged hand into a tight fist. Blood started to seep through the gauze.

"Lance, you still with us?" Shiro asked cautiously. Lance gritted his teeth. A groan escaped his throat.

"Klade," Lance bit out. The others blinked in confusion. "It's his name."

Lance opened his eyes and looked at them all. His team seemed surprised, just staring in silence now. "Sometimes... I see his memories. I thought they were just nightmares. I think he died in the fight we had." Lance paused, shifted on the ground to a more comfortable position. "They buried him in the ground. His grandmother cried...'S why he hates us... hates me."

"Well, we did our best to keep casualties low. Klade sounds like an asshole anyway." Pidge grumbled. She had drawn her knees up and was hugging them to her chest.

"He's younger than you, Pidge. He's so young and so... angry." Tears had begun to slip from Lance's eyes again and he wasn't sure if they were entirely his own.

"Still an asshole," Pidge grumbled, though some of the venom had left her voice.

Sairin broke from the line of singers and walked towards the Paladins. He had overheard the name and he was going to make use of it. He knelt carefully on the ground beside the circle and began muttering in a low, deep voice. They couldn't pick out all the words, but Klade was repeated several times before his chant stopped. He turned to the other Paladins with a nod.

"It will be over soon." He then went back to the line of singers, continuing their low humming.

Time slipped by and Lance remained mostly quiet, except for the occasional groan.

The sun had set a long time ago, which meant the only light was from the moon and the candles flickering in the dark. Lance would occasionally jerk and then go still again. It was obvious that he was exhausted. Sairin had told them that it would wear on him, but if everything went as it should, Lance would pull through.

But Lance had been suffering for days and he was looking worse. Shiro wondered if Sairin really knew if Lance would be okay or not. He could have glossed over the possible consequences so that they wouldn’t all be so scared.

It wasn't working.

Fear permeated their minds.

Shiro and the others tried whispering calm reassurances, telling Lance it would be over soon, when they really had no idea. It just kept dragging on, until Shiro thought this really would take all night.

"If any of you need to leave, you should do it now," Shiro spoke up. Pidge had been chewing her bottom lip and pretending she didn't have tears in her eyes for hours and Keith was shifting restlessly, his inability to do anything useful picking at his nerves. There wasn't a physical battle for Keith to fight here and Shiro worried the waiting was going to cause him to snap somehow. Also, as Lance’s breathing slowed and became shallower, Shiro was beginning to think that he wasn’t going to survive this. He didn’t want them to have to watch Lance die.

"No, I'm staying," Pidge said with determination. Keith nodded in agreement, though he looked like he wanted to punch something.

Lance was staring up at the stars blankly when a dark chuckle escaped his lips.

"Why do you want him back so badly?" The voice didn't quite move with Lance's mouth and it sounded as though it was coming from much farther away.

"Lance is part of our team.” Shiro said quickly. "He's important to us."

"He doesn't seem to think so... Strange, stupid boy."

"Please," Hunk started. "We need him back."

"To form Voltron... Defend the universe," Klade let out a huff of breath, it was almost a laugh.

"Yes, but it's more than that. He's- he's my best friend. We're family. So... please..." Hunk didn't like begging, but he would do it if it meant saving his friend.

"I don't care about your ridiculous family. I hate you all...” Lance’s lips stopped moving, but the voice continued. “But I hate the Galra more. You had better not screw up this war. Pack of idiots."

Nobody had a response for that, even Shiro only deeply frowned.

“It’s not fair” the voice on the air whispered.

A hush fell over the area, even the singing from the Klaycera had stopped. The candles flickered and, in one harsh breeze, they all blew out at once.

It was well past what would have been considered midnight on the Klaycera’s planet when Lance exhaled and didn't breathe in again.

* * *

 

There was an explosion. Lance opened his eyes and he could feel the pain of it, the way his energy drained out of his body and seeped into the ground. The sky above him blurred and warped. He saw Voltron cut across the blue sky above him before it all went dark.

Everything flickered in and out, like the world was a dying light bulb. There was the dirt that covered him, his grandmother that stood and wept by his grave. She was alone now. He had left her alone.

No, he couldn't go, he couldn't go...

Wait.

That's not right.

That wasn't his grandmother. His grandmother and his parents and his siblings were all back on earth.

And there was no way he was dying before he saw them again.

The world warped once more and Lance saw him clearly for the first time.

Klade was small with pale brown skin and dark hair. He looked furious, but Lance could see the tears in his eyes.

He was scared and he was alone.

"It's going to be alright," Lance heard himself say.

"Maybe for you," Klade bit out, looking disgusted.

"I'll make sure the Galra stay away from your planet, grandmother will be safe." Lance felt like he was yelling across a great expanse, Klade was fading away. Lance couldn't even see him anymore.

"Worthless idiot, don't make stupid promises you can't keep."

The world faded completely to black.

* * *

 

"Shiro, I don't think he's breathing!"

"Lance! Can you hear me?"

"Sairin! Is it safe?"

"Yes, go to him, he is free."

Lance thought he felt hands carefully lifting him from the ground. It was so strange. He didn’t feel quite attached to his body.

The voices sounded so scared. He wanted to apologize to them. He didn't think it was right for them to sound like that.

He was being carried in someone's arms.

"I've got you, you're going to be okay."

Shiro. Shiro never lied about these things. Lance didn't need to keep fighting so hard.

He could just....

... let go.

* * *

 

Lance had awoken from the pod feeling exhausted. He numbly hugged his team, listened to their account of the situation and then he had fallen asleep for about a day. Sairin said he would be tired for a long time. Though he didn't say how long. Apparently, having an invading spirit trying to kill you from the inside out, wore on a person.

The castleship was still on the Klaycera’s planet, so once Lance was ready, he had the opportunity to hear about a hundred apologies from the people there. Sairin's daughters were quick to apologize and he forgave them, even if it was hard to look at them. He felt uncomfortable with them now. One of the older daughter’s specifically apologized, admitting she had said his name while she was scolding her sisters that night. She had reprimanded them for talking and fawning over him during the ceremony. Lance recognized her tone. She was the one that didn’t like him.

Lance forgave her too.

Lance hadn't really smiled since waking up, so when he asked Shiro for a favor before they left the Klaycera’s planet, Shiro easily complied, willing to do anything to help Lance heal.

But now that they were walking through the graveyard, Shiro was regretting the decision to let Lance come here. Hunk, Pidge and Keith were there too, but they were keeping their distance as Lance wandered around the grave markers.

A lot of the stones didn't even have names associated with them, so they didn't think Lance would find what he was looking for, but they still walked with him through the whole thing. The sun was starting to set when Lance came to an abrupt stop.

Ahead of him there was an old Klayceran woman kneeling at a graveside and Lance only paused for an instant before he rushed over to her.

"Gamma!" Lance cried out and the woman look startled, her eyes going wide as Lance hastened towards her. Realization crossed her face. Word had spread quickly and everyone on the planet knew about what had happened with the Voltron Paladin and Klade.

Klade who wasn't even supposed to be outside that day.

Klade who had wanted to fight and to prove that he wasn't too small and young.

Klade who had been killed from an explosion before he even made it to the battlefield.

Her Klade.

As soon as he was close enough, she threw herself at Lance's feet and clasped his ankles, begging for his forgiveness.

"No, no please. Please don't." Lance sunk slowly to his knees, clasping her shoulders in his hands, forcing her to sit upright.

"Please don't, Gamma."

It had been Klade's nickname for her and that's who she was in Lance's mind. Really, his grandmother had been the only person Klade had cared about on this planet. His parents had died when he was young, he didn’t remember them. His grandmother had been his whole family.

She set her hands on Lance's face and wiped away the tears that had spilled over onto his cheeks. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and was hugging him tight.

And Lance sobbed because it was familiar and new all at the same time.

It had been so long since he had hugged his grandmother on earth. This was a lot like that. He felt a warmth in his chest and, for the first time since he had woken up, he felt something besides the numb emptiness.

He felt unconditionally loved.

He had missed that feeling.

* * *

 

Lance cried when Blue let him into the cockpit. He had been so scared that she was angry, but now that he had a clearer head, he was able to understand. He spent a long time talking with her and he figured out slowly what had happened. Blue had sensed Klade there, attached to Lance. He had been trying to take over and Blue had sensed it first. The growling was never directed at her Paladin, it was meant for the parasite of a hitchhiker that was using him.

"I'm glad you're not mad," Lance confessed. Blue purred in response. She was so proud of him.

Lance tried to believe he deserved that pride.

He couldn't quite convince himself.

* * *

 

Shiro found Lance by accident one night. He had known Lance hadn't been sleeping. He could see it in the way Lance couldn't focus and in the circles under his eyes.

But he hadn't realized he was spending most of his nights in one of the observation decks.

"Lance?" Shiro asked after he had discovered Lance in the middle of the room tucked in a sleeping bag.

"Hey," Lance answered quietly.

"What are you doing?"

"Camping?" Lance answered sheepishly. Shiro huffed out a quiet laugh.

"Alright. Is there a reason?" Shiro sat down on the floor beside him, moving a couple of empty snack containers out of the way to make room. "How long have you been sleeping here?"

"Uh, I just... um... I don't really know. I fell asleep here once by accident, so I just brought a sleeping bag in here a while ago in case it happened again. It's been useful. I like to watch the stars sometimes." Lance motioned to the view he had out the large window. "They're...nice." Lance scratched the back of his head, feeling embarrassed now.

"Do you have less nightmares when you sleep here?" Shiro asked. Lance blinked; surprised by the fact that Shiro didn't ask if he had nightmares in the first place. Shiro already knew he did. Of course he did.

"Usually," Lance whispered. Shiro nodded in understanding.

"Lance," Shiro shifted, his voice taking on that serious tone. It meant a discussion was about to happen. Lance braced himself for it, biting his lip and taking in a deep breath.

"I'm glad I found you tonight, I've been meaning to talk to you and now is probably as good a time as any."

Lance nodded, "I wanted to tell you something too. I don't think I said it before," Lance winced slightly, "though I don't remember some parts after waking up out of the pod. It's all kind of hazy."

"Why don't you go first then?" Shiro said gently. Lance nodded again. He opened and shut his mouth a few times, unsure of how to word it all.

"I don't remember everything that happened,” Lance finally said, “but I do remember- I could hear what he was saying to you, to everyone. He hurt you all. I'm sorry I let that happen. It took me a long time to get it together and to stop him. I'm really sorry. I still need to apologize to Pidge and Keith. He was horrible to them."

"Lance, you don't have to apologize-"

"No, I do. Because he was right about me. I'm so stupid and I let him hurt you."

"No," Shiro was shaking his head. "If you apologize to Pidge and Keith they're going to say the same thing. You have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't you. If anything, I need to apologize to you."

"To me?"

Shiro clenched his jaw for a moment.

"Yes. To you. I haven't been watching over you the way I should have been. You shouldn't feel alone, ever. You shouldn't feel like you're not important, because you are. You are important. I'm sorry for not helping you sooner."

"Shiro, it's not your fault. You can't be babysitting me all the time. You shouldn't have to listen to me whine about stupid stuff."

"I _want_ to hear you whine about stupid stuff. I want you to tell me about the little things and the big things… the things that hurt you and everything else. Please don't hide it from us. If I had listened better, this whole thing probably wouldn't have gone as far as it did. So please just talk to me or anyone, Hunk or Pidge or even Keith would try to help you. Just don't keep it all inside. Okay?"

Lace shuffled in his sleeping bag. His lip had started to wobble and he blinked back sudden tears. He cried easily these days; something about being possessed by an emotionally unstable ghost had left him bereft of his usual mask. It had diminished his ability to pretend he was fine.

"I'm not-," Lance tried to clear his throat. "I still have nightmares about the explosion and... I can't tell if he was killed by a Galra blast or-"

Lance's voice broke and he feebly motioned to Shiro and then back at himself.

"I'm not sure if it was us. He thought it was, but I didn't want to think- I didn't want to think it was our fault, but I do think… I think we killed him. We killed this kid just because he was in the wrong place on the ground and we didn't even notice, Shiro. We didn't even-" Lance was crying now. Shiro carefully wrapped his arms around him.

"I know he was kind of a rough kid, but he didn't deserve that." Lance was trying so hard to explain it, but the whole thing was irrational, Pidge would probably say that Lance had the worst case of Stockholm syndrome. Lance had been mentally tortured for days and now he could only see how he had wronged the one responsible.

This was so messed up. And it was too big and too horrible to process. Never mind the fact the Lance's mind felt empty now that it was only his again. Lance had memories of dying stuck in his head and they played on repeat and what could Shiro really do to help him? Shiro didn’t know how to help. Nobody could understand this.

"You're wrong, I can kind of understand, okay?" Shiro tried to look Lance in the face but Lance was crying hard into his shoulder, not even aware he was speaking his fears out loud.

"I don't know if it was a blast from Voltron that killed Klade, but even then, it wasn't on purpose. The Galra are the ones to blame. And I do know what it's like to have your brain all mixed up. And to have nightmares about stuff that you can't really remember. I do know about that, Lance. I do. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

Lance's sobbing slowed, his shoulders hitched as he tried to regain control of himself.

"What do you do then, Shiro? When everything is... in pieces?"

Shiro grabbed Lance by the shoulders and pushed him away so that he could look him in the eye.

"You pick them up," Shiro squeezed the boy's shoulders, "You pick them up one at a time and you put them back."

Lance gave a shaky nod before Shiro pulled him back into a hug.

"And you don't do it alone. We're here to help you."

Lance nodded into Shiro’s shoulder.

As his tears slowed, he felt the anxious buzzing of his brain being replaced by warmth. He had almost forgotten what it was like to have his mind feel that kind of peace. He wished he could hold onto that feeling forever.

"You're not going to be alone," Shiro whispered. "I promise."

Lance knew that Shiro had no actual control over the universe, Shiro was human and not perfect, but in that moment, Lance believed him.

_It's going to be alright._

 

The end

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you for reading! 
> 
> And I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween!
> 
> Btw, I'm going to take a little break for a while. I have a lot of school projects I need to focus on. I will be back soon. 
> 
> Please leave a comment. I can always use the encouragement. Currently, I'm judging my writing pretty hard. So comments are always appreciated.
> 
> If you feel like visiting my tumblr I'm here, [Banditywrites](https://banditywrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> There is now a little follow up ficlet that deals with some of the aftermath of this story on my tumblr here: [A Moment](https://banditywrites.tumblr.com/post/167655921490/a-moment/)


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